Do you find yourself complaining often about all the wrong things your partner does; or doesn’t do well?
Or
Do you find yourself continuously complaining about being lonely, and not having found your soulmate yet?
One of my dear clients, Vanessa, was in this situation exactly about one year ago. When we started working together, Vanessa used to complain about both of the following:
- Her partner
- Not having found her soulmate yet
Back then, Vanessa was very angry at her current partner, Victor, because he was a “taker” rather than a “giver”. He would only look after himself and fulfill his own needs without really caring much about Vanessa’s well being.
For example, he used to call her only when it was convenient for him, such as for a “booty call” whenever he wanted to have some fun with this nice and beautiful lady that, in reality, was always available for him like a loyal dog waiting for its master to throw a little attention its way.
Since Vanessa and Victor started dating, they agreed that their relationship would not be exclusive, so both of them were also seeing other people. At first, Vanessa thought that it would be OK with her to have this informal relationship with this carefree character. She was, after all, feeling so lonely and so desperate for love and attention at the time that she would take it from anyone.
So Victor indeed started seeing other ladies, although Vanessa wasn’t really seeing other men. He was not really lying or cheating on Vanessa, since he was very honest about his expectations regarding their “relationship.” So while Victor kept busy on the prowl, Vanessa actually started to secretly hope that Victor would change his mind and want to turn their physical affair into a solid partnership, which never happened.
As time passed, Vanessa could no longer hide her discontent with their “complicated” relationship. She started complaining about how “rude and bad” Victor was with her, ranting about how he was only a big womanizer that was playing her. She also fussed on and on about how difficult it was to find a good man with whom she could have a committed and healthy relationship.
Vanessa got so caught up in this way of negative world of complaining that it seemed like her mind got stuck – going nowhere – like a hamster running on a wheel. All she could focus on was on how terrible and mean Victor was, and how unlucky she was for not being able to have yet found her soulmate.
Luckily Vanessa finally reached out for help.
One of the things in which she and I started to work on was on refocusing her thoughts towards what was already actually working well with her situation with Victor. I asked her to concentrate on what she was grateful for in her relationship with him, despite of all the negative aspects of it.
At first, Vanessa did not respond favorably to my suggestion to switch her thinking toward Victor.
“WHAT???? I am not grateful for Victor. He is a mean womanizer bastard! Nothing is going well for me in this relationship, I am all alone, like a dog, and he is only playing with me!”
It took a while, but Vanessa learned quickly just how important it was to focus on what was already working well in her life, and with some effort, she found a way to dig out the “good” within the “bad” in her relationship with Victor.
If you are purposely grateful for what you already have in your love life – no matter how bad it seems – you will immediately improve your situation. Do you know why?
It’s actually quite simple; because your mind cannot focus on a negative and a positive thought at the same time. Your mind is always thinking, and there are only two types of thoughts: positive ones or negative ones.
So, if you focus on the negative, then you are really creating more negativity in your life, and you lose the power to act towards something that might be good for you.
In contrast, if you focus on what is working well, you will start feeling empowered to change, and get more of the “good stuff” in your life.
So Vanessa tried this new way of thinking, and after some effort, she came to these conclusions:
- She was grateful that she actually had fun with Victor.
- She was grateful that he was honest with her from the beginning, and that he did not really lie or cheat on her.
- She was grateful that being in a non-exclusive relationship gave her the clarity to want to really be in a committed relationship.
- She was grateful because all her suffering made her reach out for help and seek coaching so that she would not have to go through her struggle alone any more.
Focusing on Gratitude was the beginning of a new life for Vanessa. She then signed up for The Dating School for Smart Women and now she is happily involved in a healthy and committed relationship with a great guy that absolutely adores her.
So the next time that you catch yourself complaining about your love life, set your mind on thinking about all the things that you are grateful for concerning your partner (if you have one), or on all the things that you’ve gotten out of previous relationships that had given you clarity on what you want in a perfect partner/relationship.
Be sure to actually write a list of them. You will immediately notice how this new way of thinking makes you feel much better, and I promise you, this will definitely have a positive impact in your life!
So go ahead and practice a grateful mindset regarding your love life; or lack of it. Be sure to let me know what happens next. I can’t wait to hear all the good news!♥
Love this article!!!! Thank you Silvia!