“I don’t want anything to do with relationships!”
“I’m not dumb enough to commit that same mistake again!”
“Why would I want to go through the same hell with a different devil?”
These are only a few examples of some of the common thoughts my clients have in regards to having a new relationship after a divorce.
To be honest, I also thought the same after I got divorced.
Like so many of clients, when I first got married I felt as if I were living a fairy tale and that it would last forever.
But all my dreams crumbled away when my marriage ended and I was left with no desire to go through the same pain and have another relationship.
At the time I got divorced, I swore to myself that I would never get involved in a relationship again.
I was physically and emotionally exhausted. The piles of legal paperwork alone were enough to drain me, but I was now totally responsible not only for my life, but also for my young daughter, so I had to keep going.
My life quickly converted into a heavy routine. After completing a nine-hour workday, I raced to pick up my child from school. Then it was back home to make dinner and help with homework. Next came cleaning up and doing errands that seemed to never end. Finally, at about 10:00 PM, I “crashed” on my bed like a bulk of stones, too tired to even think!
The weekends offered more cleaning and pending tasks and finally time to enjoy with my daughter. Sometimes we would visit some friends of mine, most of whom were happily married.
Seeing my friends and other happy couples motivated me to eventually want to have a new “healthy” relationship. Their love, commitment, and support for each other made me think that maybe, just maybe, someday I could also have the same experience.
So I fought off many contradicting thoughts that raced through my mind telling me:
“No! Yes! No! Maybe! No! Are you crazy!? Well, maybe, Why not?…”
Finally, I got inspired enough to overcome my fears and I signed up on an online dating service, where I found my new husband!
Five years later, I can proudly say that I am happily married and living in an extremely rewarding and healthy relationship with my best friend.
My happy story is completely possible for you too!
To help motivate you to start dating again I want to share 3 valuable secrets:
1) Get out there!
If you are busy and a little shy, online dating sites are a good place to “meet” interesting people, because you don’t have to be face-to-face and can take things slowly before meeting someone in person (plus you get to use filters to find only people of your preferred age group, personality traits, etc. It’s kind of like shopping for your perfect partner).
Perhaps you prefer meeting people in person, so go to a “Meetup” of your choice (make sure you go to a meeting where you’ll have fun even if you don’t meet anyone!) or simply go out with your friends to public places and socialize.
Many people enjoy attending single’s gatherings, while others feel comfortable being set up on “blind dates”.
You can always go the traditional route of meeting people at a bar or club.
The point is to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people!
Keep a positive attitude, and have confidence that your “One” special partner is out there also looking for you.
You will never know unless you make a move; even a magician has to do something to make his magic!
2) Form Friendships First!
The idea of returning to the dating market after not having a date with someone for such a long time might be very scary for you.
Take it easy, don’t assume that because you are having a date it means that you’ll immediately get involved with that person.
The secret is to crawl first, then walk, and finally run. Start by crawling slowly.
Make it crystal clear from the beginning that you want to first establish a friendship before jumping into a relationship.
Take the time to regain your confidence, and to get to know the person well. You will intuitively know when you are finally ready to open your heart and begin a formal relationship.
3) Don’t let fear stop you
It is totally normal to be afraid to start dating and have a new relationship after going through a painful breakup like a divorce.
But if you listen to your fears and believe them, you might end up ruining the opportunity to find the most important relationship of your life!
Don’t listen to your fears, learn how to eliminate them and take action!
If fear paralyzes you, I recommend that you seek the help of a professional to help you overcome it. A trained relationship coach will help you to use practical tools and strategies to face and heal all your insecurities and worries regarding men and relationships.
There are also programs like The Dating School For Smart Women that will help you gain the confidence you need to feel really good about yourself and start dating again, so that you can finally have the relationship that you so much want and deserve.
I want to hear from you!
Are you still hesitating to put yourself out there in the dating arena? If so, why?
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